For as long as I can remember, I have hated my body. I know how terrible. But honestly, most women I know do. It is because social media and Hollywood show us these airbrushed and toned bodies and tell us this is normal, this is beauty. So we all think we need to be 5’6” or 5’7” and weigh around 120 pounds. Hint, that is so wrong on so many levels. Your weight should vary depending on your height, your body stucture, if you work out and so much more.
First off, I am not that tall. I max out at 5’ even. I always wanted to be taller, but once I got to middle school my height didn’t change. I came to grips with my height ages ago. I will stand and climb on shelves and countertops to get what I need. And I’m a pro at fitting into small spaces. Which comes in handy when on airplanes and when I work with kids.
Where I really struggle is my weight, and let’s be honest some of my physical features. In middle school and high school, I weighed around 95 to 106 pounds. Once I got to 106 I always wanted to weigh 5 pounds less. You know the line in the song from South Pacific “101 pounds of fun that’s my little honey bun”… yeah that was always stuck in my head… and is to this day. This song, media, and off-hand comments from family and friends gave me a complex about my weight, cue the love-hate relationship with my scale.
To this day, the happiest times in my life when it came to my body were when I didn’t have a scale. Which was for a few months in South Korea and the whole time I lived in Hawaii. Though in Hawaii I weighed about 100 pounds because my bike was my mode of transportation. And I was outside all the time, so all the fresh air was good for my soul.
My weight is not the only struggle I have been working to overcome when it comes to my body image. Growing up we are always told women have curves… I however am more like a banana or bean. My waist isn’t small and my hips aren’t big. And if my butt or boobs do get big it’s because I weigh well more than I’d like. And then I hate how my stomach looks. Most of the time to me it looks puffy and jiggly and that I don’t know what crunches are. Even when I could hold a plank for over a minute or do a dozen burpee’s it had this layer of fat I just couldn’t get rid of.
And there there is my face. My nose is too big. My lips are too narrow. My forehead and chin are like my stomach, too large for someone so small. I remember being in middle school and having the mean girls pick on me for my nose. To the point that even in highschool I wanted a nose job. As an adult trolls have poked fun at me for my nose, forehead and chin. You would think those things shouldn’t phase an adult female. But they do, especially when they point out all the things you don’t like about yourself.
In the mid to late 2000’s I started to model, I found photographers in the area I loved. And though I was always critical of how I looked in photos, the shoots were always fun. So I would pick my top favorites and post them on social media. I got wonderful comments from my friends and family, and it boosted my confidence. I did photoshoots on and off from 2008 to 2018.
In 2018 I moved to the Chicago area, and I thought I would continue to model, but it never worked out. In 2020 my body revolted. I spent weeks at a time doubled over in pain, until November 2020 when I had exploratory surgery. During the surgery they found a typical endometriosis and an adhesion between my bowel and my bladder. Recovery should have been 6 weeks, but it ended up being more like 10 and I gained a rather gnarly scar (I wasn’t supposed to have any).
Before and after surgery I felt betrayed by my body. First for being in pain all the time. And after for having an invisible illness that would still put me in crippling pain at a moment’s notice. After surgery, I connected with other endo warriors, and we swapped surgery stories and how to manage life on a daily basis with an invisible illness that the world doesn’t know much about.
During all these talks I started to realize, yes, we all feel betrayed by our bodies, spoonies more so than others. But we, people with endo, are warriors, we can and do deal with pain on a daily basis that would cripple others, and only sometimes cripples us. That’s when I started to realize, my body, it’s amazing! It may grow tissue in places it shouldn’t that causes pain, but I am still here. It can take a beating for over 10 years, and it still can chase after my nieces and nephews, work long retail hours, take hikes in the woods, and be flexible enough to keep up with people who do yoga on a daily basis (though I only practice maybe 6 times a year). Hell, my body can get a second round of stitches and still function to drive 45 minutes to work and do my barista job.
I still struggle with my weight sometimes, because hey, I’m human. But every day I am becoming more at peace with it, whatever size and shape it is. To honor my body, I wanted to do another photoshoot. More specifically I wanted to do a photoshoot with someone who was part of the body-positive movement. And wouldn’t you know it, Facebook delivered. It showed me an ad for Beatrice at Gold Coast Chicago Boudoir. I reached out and Beatrice and I started talking. We talked on the phone several times, and eventually, I got a session booked.
The results are awesome!!! It was so hard to pick my 20 photos for the photo book and even harder to choose 10 for digital copies. But I am excited to get both in my hands. If you would like to help me pay for the photos, I wouldn’t say no.
Fighting with a Stick 