Last night I was talking to a friend and he said something, a name, a trigger word. In my head I thought holy forking shirtball (do you get the reference? Yes, good.) it’s been a year and I’m in the exact same freaking spot I was this time last year.
A year ago today I met someone who changed my life. I thought it was gonna be for the better. He made me smile and laugh, an he dared me to dream big, like really big. We became best friends almost instantly. It freaking rocked! But shit happened and if I’m gonna be completely honest, I’m still picking up the pieces he left behind. Now before you get your knickers in a twist, I am standing back up and I am becoming stronger because of it. I also know that despite feeling like I wasted a year, because y’all I really did waste a year on a guy, I also learned a lot. Some would say that means it wasn’t a waste. But when you sit down and look at your life and realize you are in the same exact predicament that you were this time last year, lessons or not, it feels like and is to a certain extent a waste. I just wasted a year of my freaking life.
A year has passed and I am in the same place I was. I haven’t advanced in my business. Y’all I’m not slaying it at all in my home based business. And where I truly love what it could do for me, and what it has done for so many others. I am falling short. This thing I do could bring me time freedom and financial security. And not only me, my family and the families of so many other women. I am not changing the lives I wanted to change. And I defiantly haven’t changed my own. I’ve been doing the same thing for the last year, and I’m still getting the same results. That means somethings gotta change. And that something has to be about me and how I go about working my business. Maybe I’m not going about things the right way, which could be true. But if we are being honest it’s most likely because I’m not doing things consistently and there are things I know I should do, but because I don’t want to, I don’t do them. Y’all I’m holding myself back, out of fear and out of laziness. This does not server me!
At first I wanted to say it was because this time last year I got lost in love, and while that is true. This time last year I got so wrapped up in love I didn’t surface until August. Yes, I did some work because I wanted to give the man I loved a better life. But if it was spend time with him or work on my business. I chose time with him, even after he moved. Calls to him trumped work. Y’all, please for the love of Pete, don’t get that lost in love, it only ends bad. And sure enough, just as I realized I was lost in love and starting to get my life and business back on track. He dumped me! I didn’t see it coming, I was supposed to be moving in a month. My world came crashing down! I cried for weeks, okay fine, months. I tried to use the pain to push my into my business, to build the life I wanted. But my heart wasn’t in it. I just wanted to hide, and though I did put some work into my business (I made sales y’all) my drive and passions wasn’t in it.
I was broken, defeated and honestly didn’t care about any goals, which had honestly gone out the window. I needed to learn how to love myself again. I needed to see that I had value. Because I honestly thought I was a worthles, awful, piece of garbage. I was too needy, too demanding, I was mean, I was horrible, I was awful and I wasn’t the least bit curtious or understanding. I mean why else would he dump me? I spent a lot of time hating myself. My therapist made me write lists about the postive things about me, becasue I saw none. He made me write lists of what I learned from being dumped, because at first I saw not lessons other than I suck at picking men and should never be in a relationship. Y’all I didn’t think I was worthy of love. Fall and winter were not a pretty time.
I spent the last 6 months working on me. Learning to love myself and all my flaws. Learning to accept what happned, and find the lessons it it. It was not a quick or easy journey. There were lots of tears, lots of resistance, and a ton of curising. But I’m glad I did the work. It consnumed a lots of time and energy and as such I didn’t or maybe couldn’t truly focus on anything else. I still live at my parents house, as source of great discontent for me. I am still in debt, a source of great stress. And my business is in the same place, a source of great discontent and frustration. So yes, I feel like this last year, lessons and all was a total waste.
However realizing the waste is a great motivator! I have worked out some plans to help move my business forward. And if those don’t work I have a few people I know I can count on to chat with and help me find a new plan of attack. My business, which allows me to work from home and helps others do the same thing, is my main focus. I have also started looking into options to get out and find a place of my own. Because even if I love my family, I need my own space, and I need to be in charge of it. (I’m sure some of you get it, if you don’t I’m not sure how to explain it. Other than I need a space to call my own, for the sake of my sanity.)
Fighting with a Stick 