This is why I didn’t want to start a GoFundMe in the first place….

So apparently I complain too much on my social media, I act like a know it all, I have an attitude problem, I’m lazy, and I act too fragile. I also don’t deserve hand outs because I’m not disadvantaged enough.

I need to back up, because that was hella catty and negative. But that was how a conversation this morning left me feeling.

A week ago I made a post about raising the minimum wage to 15$ an hour, and how 32 Million workers in America would benefit from it. I also mentioned how me, a college grad was struggling to find a job that paid a living wage. I also mentioned how 15$ is not a living wage in the area that I live. Where most people seemed to agree with my sentiment on how broken things were. One person an I got into a conversation, I brought up not wanting to take receptionist jobs that paid 12$-15$ an hour. He said the lower paying job may be a gateway. And were I agree with him, sometimes lower paying jobs can lead to better things. I’m not going to take a full time job that pays less to the same as my two part time jobs, one of which has really good benefits. Especially if that job would leave me in much the same struggle i am currently in. We seemed to agree that jobs where you have the ability to move up and grow matter most. And one of my current part time jobs offers that ability, and I am currently taking steps on moving up the ladder into a leader role, that will lead to management. (I don’t think this person knows this, and if they did I don’t know if it would have changed anything that transpired today.)

On Friday I came home to a letter from a collections agency regarding my outstanding balance to my endometriosis and adenomyosis specialist. First off the bill was 1,995.84$ lager than the last bill I received from my doctors. I called the agency and let them know that there was a rather large discrepancy from what my last bill was from the office to the one the collector was sending now. They will be looking into it. Can we say, frustrating!

So now that I have a collector asking for money (mind you my first appointment was Sept 23, 2020, and my last appointment was Feb 23, 2021). I decided I needed to ask for help. It was easy and I defiantly didn’t want to let people on social media know I couldn’t pay my own medical bills. But I decided to be venerable. I made a post saying how much I owed. I mentioned how i tried to work it out with the office and the only payment plan was 1000$ a month, which was half of my earnings (technically more because of taxes and medical insurance, for which my specialist was not in network and thus seeing her is not covered) but they wouldn’t work with me. So I asked for help, and even offered to provide receipts so people knew where their money was going. Almost immediately a friend sent me some money. I felt proud of myself for opening up and asking for help. I then thought about it. And decided maybe instead of receipts I should just start a Go Fund Me campaign, that way people could feel more at ease that money they sent was going to helping me pay the bills. And another friend sent me money. (To those two souls, thank you so freaking much!)

This morning I posted a picture of myself with one of my favorite quotes. I also mentioned how I wanted to make lots of money. How I knew that was taboo to say, but that I wanted it so I could live comfortably, so my sister could live comfortably and that I could donate to charity. I also mentioned how I wanted it to be charities that helped people with depression, endometriosis, and adenomyosis. I didn’t want anyone else with those continues to be in my position, unable to pay medical bills.

To which I was told I was limiting myself. That I needed to broaden my thoughts and actions.

I felt accused and attacked!

Instead of commenting back I sent the person a message. I said hey, so you don’t actually know what I’ve been doing or trying lately. I actually had two interviews this past week. Their response was that they were just making an observation and that they knew I wouldn’t be receptive to it. DUDE! Like really, why are you saying shit if you know someone isn’t going to be receptive?!

I asked for an explanation of what they meant? I was once again told, you limit yourself. Good lord this person is testing my patience and I haven’t even had a cup of tea yet. I asked for them to be more specific. I was told sometimes to be successful, we need to be like water instead of a brick. You know do what it takes mentally. I was so not ready for metaphors and analogies. I stated that I was once again lost. To which I was told, I need to move forward by any means necessary. Work my ass off every minute of everyday. That I live at home and I should be grinding not making FB posts asking others to carry my financial burden.

Okay so we need to clear some stuff up here. Yes I do live with my parents, but I pay a third of all the bills here. This week I worked 40 hrs. this past week between my two jobs, and I had two interviews. One of which I found out I didn’t move on in the rounds for a second interview on Friday.

I told them I worked 40 hours this week and I was told I need to work smarter and stop tying my own hands. Once again I had to ask for clarification, how the hell was 40hrs and two interviews tying my own hands? I was told I could spend my time more wisely than I do. And that I will my day with small fragments. Also that I was only reaching the surface of part time jobs. DUDE, none of those interviews were for part time jobs, but you didn’t bother to ask what kinds of jobs they were. I’m also taking classes for digital marketing so I can get a better paying job.

Things circled back to the whole me asking for money thing. I let them know that they don’t have to give me money. And then because I was frustrated and a little butt hurt, I said I hope you tell everyone that asks for financial help not to ask for it. They said no, I just don’t agree with you asking for help, you’re single, have no kids and are capable. I lost my shit. This person presented as a friend. And now I’m being told I don’t deserve help from others when I’m struggling, and I need to both work harder and smarter. 30 – 40 hours a week, and marketing classes on the side, and I don’t deserve to be helped. Any decorum went out the window. Things went down and I was told I had an attitude problem and that I was too fragile. But shame on me for calling them a jerk when they said stuff they knew I wouldn’t be responsive to. The actual phrase I used was “if someone isn’t receptive why be a jerk”. Not actual name calling, or is it? I don’t even know anymore.

Oh and so you know “I don’t agree with you asking for money” is a judgment. So don’t say you aren’t judging me, you are. And my defensive attitude after you telling me I don’t deserve help because I’m not disadvantaged enough, but I also need to do things differently because part time jobs aren’t good enough and I need to work harder. Naw, it’s not my problem, its a human reaction from someone whos stressed out, over worked, and underpaid, when they get told they need to do more and they aren’t worthy of help.

Or you know what, maybe I do have an attitude problem. My problem is people telling me how they think I should live my life in the guise of them wanting the best for me and wanting me to do better. Y’all I’m not taking classes, going to therapy, doing personal development, and job hunting all while working two part time jobs just for the fun of it. I’m doing it to have a better life and to become a better version of myself. And I’m doing this while dealing with two new invisible illnesses, the headache of medical insurance in the United States and a specialist who was out of network. DON’T POKE the bear, she may seem all cute and fuzzy, but she will take your head off if provoked.

Also if you feel so moved to help me pay my medical bills here is the link

Dear “well meaning” friend

I both love and hate social media. I love it because it lets me connect with people all over the world. But I also hate it because it means I am too connected.

My phone is always buzzy with notifications, so it lives on silent mode, because I just can’t stand all the sound it would make. I also hate the I have been programmed to grab it as soon as a notification goes off. Its a distraction and a time suck. One I know I can manage, if I actually put the work into it. I mean I leave it in my bag when I’m at work and sometimes don’t even look at all the notifications until I get home. But at home its always there, and I’m always looking.

As a woman social media is also frustrating because unless your accounts are on lock down. and mine aren’t, you are subjected to lots of messages from men who send unsolicited dick pics and demand attention as well as nude photos. I mean seriously WTF! Men, we are not interested in pics of your dick, if we are we will ask. If we do not respond we are either A. busy or B. not interested. We are most likely because you have done or said something offensive and we have to desire to talk to you. And if we do, we will call you out on your shit and you will try to play the victims, and we are so not down for that game.

As a woman who deals with these issues and more on a weekly basis I only tend to accept friend or message request from friends of friends or women. Though I’m probably going to be more selective of the women too, why because woman can be predator’s too. I have been propositioned by both men and woman, and its just frustrating. I’m here to try and promote brands I love, so I can make extra money and pay the huge ass pile of bills and debt I have. I am also here to advocate for mental health, endometriosis and adenomyosis. I want to create community for those who feel alone and those who feel like they are struggling. I am not here to find love or a romantic relationship. Anyways I digress.

Today a woman reached out to me from another country. I was excited because I love making new friends and want to learn more about other people and other cultures. However she kept telling me I “must” talk to her friend that is interested in me and really wants a “serious relationship” with me, that I’ve supposedly ignored. I would believe I ignored him, because I do not entertain men who message me and say they love me and want me to be their girlfriend when we have never had a conversation. Dude, its creepy and I don’t wanna talk to you. This woman also insisted that romantic relationships were important and when I disagreed with her, she told me I was “on the wrong path”. Nah sis, that doesn’t fly with me. You know nothings about me or my path. How about you get to know me as a person before you try telling me I’m living MY life wrong. I’ve already heard that shit from my mom, I don’t need it from you too. She kept telling me I HAD/MUST talk to him, to which I said I don’t have to do anything. This hurt her feelings and she told me as such. She continued to tell me what I needed to do, talk to her friend. So I told her he was free to message me, but she wasn’t. Girl, you can’t tell another woman, that you don’t know, what to do and expect it to go well. Especially not when its not for her benefit, but rather for yours or your friends.