We are doing things a bit differently now

Initially, this blog was intended to talk about my struggles and successes regarding depression and anxiety. I also had two other blogs, one talked about movies and the other talked about travel. What I have found in my time away is several things. First and foremost keeping three blogs updated on any kind of regular basis is crazy. I mean really, when you work three jobs, have family and friends you spend time with, how can you make time to write that much. I mean I guess someone could. But that someone isn’t me. So we are whittling things down. This one blog will host all things I write from this time forward.

That is because I love movies and travel. But I also happen to have depression and anxiety, as well as endometriosis and most likely adenomyosis. ALL of those things are part of who I am. So really there is no need to separate them. Especially when I can tag or categorize everything I write so that people who need to find it, will. I still want to help others who struggle with mental health, by making sure they know they aren’t alone. And by sharing tools and tips that have helped me over the years. But sometimes I will talk about other things. Like today.

A few weekends ago I binge watched Midnight Mass on Netflix. If you haven’t watched it yet, I recommend it. Especially if you like eerie or dark films or TV shows like me. For a mini series there was a decent amount of character development. Pretty much everyone had both good and bad things said or shown about them. And though it is hard to feel for the main character because of his past choices, by the end I defiantly saw him in a different light.

I don’t recall why I chose a mini series with highly religious undertones. I am not religious. Maybe I picked it because it took place on a small island and I wanted to run away to an isolated location. That could be the depression talking, winter in the Midwest is long. Or maybe it was the overwhelm of needing to find a new job so that I don’t have to keep struggling to survive that made me want to run away to a remote island never to be heard from again. Or maybe it was some of both. Or maybe, just maybe, I wanted to figure out how a vampire epidemic could possibly break out on a small island. Whatever the case, I watched all 7 episodes in one weekend.

On this small island, everyone is religious, except for the doctor, no surprise there, which was a little disheartening. I mean there are plenty of religious doctors out there, why do we need to stick to the trope of it being science vs religion. In every episode there is a sermon, and I was prepared to dislike being preached at, that’s why I stopped going to church in the first place, but it wasn’t so bad. Maybe that is because the further into the show I watched the more I realized how, despite all of the talk of God and the apostles, the show highlights how much organized religion, when taken too far is akin to a cult.

Now before you go biting my head off about calling your religion a cult, I am not. I merely pointed out there are similarities between cults and the patrons of the church on the island. Y’ll these people find out they are drinking vampire blood and that their Easter Mass is intended to be a mass suicide so they can turn, and pretty much everyone willingly kills themselves. If that doesn’t highlight misplaced and excessive devotion, I don’t know what else does.

In this day and age most people put celebrities and people on the internet on too high a pedestal And I believe this show perfectly captures the dangers of following the wrong person in all too dark and gruesome a display to ignore.

There was one particular scene that stood out to me. In episode 2 Father Paul and Leeza are walking and talking after mass one day and Leeza asked him where he was from. His answer made me stop and think for a while. “That’s the thing about where we have been. It’s important, sure. But it’s not as important as where we’re going.” Now me, I love to tell people about where I was born (Concord, MA), where I grew up (Petoskey, MI), places I have lived (Deagu, South Korea; Fairbanks, AK; Lahaina, HI) and where I live now. All of those locations have shaped me, and make me part of who I am today. But do they really matter? Do they really tell you about who I am as a person? Do they tell you anything about what path I am on now? Or where I will go in the future? Not really.

Anyways, I found the mini series to be enjoyable to watch and it got me thinking. While watching it I started to think in terms of film theory again, which made me all too excited. If you give it a watch be sure to let me know, that way we can talk about it and not give too much away.

Body Love

For as long as I can remember, I have hated my body. I know how terrible. But honestly, most women I know do. It is because social media and Hollywood show us these airbrushed and toned bodies and tell us this is normal, this is beauty. So we all think we need to be 5’6” or 5’7” and weigh around 120 pounds. Hint, that is so wrong on so many levels. Your weight should vary depending on your height, your body stucture, if you work out and so much more.

First off, I am not that tall. I max out at 5’ even. I always wanted to be taller, but once I got to middle school my height didn’t change. I came to grips with my height ages ago. I will stand and climb on shelves and countertops to get what I need. And I’m a pro at fitting into small spaces. Which comes in handy when on airplanes and when I work with kids.

Me at a friends wedding curcia 2007

Where I really struggle is my weight, and let’s be honest some of my physical features. In middle school and high school, I weighed around 95 to 106 pounds. Once I got to 106 I always wanted to weigh 5 pounds less. You know the line in the song from South Pacific “101 pounds of fun that’s my little honey bun”… yeah that was always stuck in my head… and is to this day. This song, media, and off-hand comments from family and friends gave me a complex about my weight, cue the love-hate relationship with my scale.

Me September 2014 weighting 101 pounds

To this day, the happiest times in my life when it came to my body were when I didn’t have a scale. Which was for a few months in South Korea and the whole time I lived in Hawaii. Though in Hawaii I weighed about 100 pounds because my bike was my mode of transportation. And I was outside all the time, so all the fresh air was good for my soul.

My weight is not the only struggle I have been working to overcome when it comes to my body image. Growing up we are always told women have curves… I however am more like a banana or bean. My waist isn’t small and my hips aren’t big. And if my butt or boobs do get big it’s because I weigh well more than I’d like. And then I hate how my stomach looks. Most of the time to me it looks puffy and jiggly and that I don’t know what crunches are. Even when I could hold a plank for over a minute or do a dozen burpee’s it had this layer of fat I just couldn’t get rid of.

Me August 2017 weighing 112 pounds (when i could do burpee’s)

And there there is my face. My nose is too big. My lips are too narrow. My forehead and chin are like my stomach, too large for someone so small. I remember being in middle school and having the mean girls pick on me for my nose. To the point that even in highschool I wanted a nose job. As an adult trolls have poked fun at me for my nose, forehead and chin. You would think those things shouldn’t phase an adult female. But they do, especially when they point out all the things you don’t like about yourself.

In the mid to late 2000’s I started to model, I found photographers in the area I loved. And though I was always critical of how I looked in photos, the shoots were always fun. So I would pick my top favorites and post them on social media. I got wonderful comments from my friends and family, and it boosted my confidence. I did photoshoots on and off from 2008 to 2018.

2009

2011

2014

2018

In 2018 I moved to the Chicago area, and I thought I would continue to model, but it never worked out. In 2020 my body revolted. I spent weeks at a time doubled over in pain, until November 2020 when I had exploratory surgery. During the surgery they found a typical endometriosis and an adhesion between my bowel and my bladder. Recovery should have been 6 weeks, but it ended up being more like 10 and I gained a rather gnarly scar (I wasn’t supposed to have any).

It took 110 days to not have a scab

March 2021 post surgery

Before and after surgery I felt betrayed by my body. First for being in pain all the time. And after for having an invisible illness that would still put me in crippling pain at a moment’s notice. After surgery, I connected with other endo warriors, and we swapped surgery stories and how to manage life on a daily basis with an invisible illness that the world doesn’t know much about.

During all these talks I started to realize, yes, we all feel betrayed by our bodies, spoonies more so than others. But we, people with endo, are warriors, we can and do deal with pain on a daily basis that would cripple others, and only sometimes cripples us. That’s when I started to realize, my body, it’s amazing! It may grow tissue in places it shouldn’t that causes pain, but I am still here. It can take a beating for over 10 years, and it still can chase after my nieces and nephews, work long retail hours, take hikes in the woods, and be flexible enough to keep up with people who do yoga on a daily basis (though I only practice maybe 6 times a year). Hell, my body can get a second round of stitches and still function to drive 45 minutes to work and do my barista job.

August 2022

I still struggle with my weight sometimes, because hey, I’m human. But every day I am becoming more at peace with it, whatever size and shape it is. To honor my body, I wanted to do another photoshoot. More specifically I wanted to do a photoshoot with someone who was part of the body-positive movement. And wouldn’t you know it, Facebook delivered. It showed me an ad for Beatrice at Gold Coast Chicago Boudoir. I reached out and Beatrice and I started talking. We talked on the phone several times, and eventually, I got a session booked.

Preview of boudoir shoot July 2022

The results are awesome!!! It was so hard to pick my 20 photos for the photo book and even harder to choose 10 for digital copies. But I am excited to get both in my hands. If you would like to help me pay for the photos, I wouldn’t say no.

Learn, fail, pivot

Over the years I have tried a number of things to make money. I tried network marketing, asking my friends and family to buy shakes, workout programs, makeup, skincare, totes, purses, and bags. Though I made friends and people bought things, I never got the traction that my upline did. I always thought it was because I did something wrong or maybe I didn’t try hard enough, where both could be true, I think it’s more likely that it wasn’t a fit for me. I have also tried to be a brand ambassador, which got me even less than network marketing did, but I found some products I love, one of them even lead to a part-time job.

I have always wanted to be my own boss, I guess that’s one way I actually embrace the American Dream. The idea of being in charge of my schedule and what I do has always sounded appealing. And over the years I have had many ideas of what I have wanted to do. A food truck, a boutique, a restaurant, just to name a few. But all of those tie me to a location, and idealy I don’t want to be locked into one location. I’m one of those if I could travel 6 months or more out of the year I would. Its probably been 13 years now that I have wanting to be a digital nomad. When I started looking into being a nomad, I thought through my skills and decided to start blogging. The only problem was, how do I make money blogging? And would anyone care to read what I wrote?

So I kept looking for jobs, that way I would make money and write. Hoping eventually my blogging would take off and I could make that my full time thing. Well, my blogging never took off. Maybe it was because I wasn’t consistent, maybe it was because I didn’t market my self, or maybe it was because no one cared about what I wrote. Heck it could be all of those, or something else I am not even thinking of. But that isn’t the point. There are two points I am trying to make.

The first is that if I had been more persistent, things could have been different. But hind sight is 20/20. And thinking about what I could have done differently is only going to make me feel like shit. So there is no point in doing that.

The second is that maybe I had to fail to get to where I am now. I had to fail at the blog and at network marketing I order to learn more about myself and what I want. You see failure isn’t the bad word we are brought up to think it is. Thomas Eddision found 9,999 ways that a light bulb didn’t work. Michael Jordans shooting average was below 50%, yet his is still considered to be one of the greatest basketball players of all time. Over the last 8 years I have learned a lot about what is and isn’t important to me, and what I do and don’t want in a career (and in my life).

There are a few things I need to have to make a career worthwhile to me. I want to make a difference in the lives of women like me. I always thought being so specific was bad, but niching down matters. It helps you find your voice and community. Who are women like me you ask? Women with endometriosis or adenomyosis, whom also have anxiety or depression. I intend to create a community for us, that way never feel left out. Or when we do, we know where to go to find support.

Often depression and anxiety make you feel like an outcast in society, because you have a tendency to hide, especially when you should be reaching out. I know I have spent many days sitting on my couch watching TV, when I should be outside taking a walk or going out for coffee with a friend. It’s hard when you have to battle your brain or yourself. And it’s even worse when you are afraid that your friends will think you are being ridiculous or a downer. And if battling your brain wasn’t enough, you spend days or weeks clutching your stomach in pain.

Endometriosis and adenomyosis can cause severe and debilitating pain. (I am not going to give information on what either of these are, as this isn’t an educational post.) They can and do effect every aspect of your life from home to work. The lack of information about both has me wondering if my random twinges of pain are normal, or when is it too late for me to try having kids. I’ve spent many days hating and cursing my own body. But I know I should be more accepting continue to work on healing and being as healthy as possible.

All this being said I think I have finally found what I am meant to do. I started figuring this out last summer, and over the last year I have had more time to ruminate and refine. This dream will uvtilize a lot of my skills, which is always a bonus to me, because I never want to be too bored. Eventually I will have retreats, but for now its time to get the blog, podcast and community started. My first question, and maybe most important, is where should I house this community? Facebook, Slack, Discord, Email, Text, or somewhere else? If you are woman with Endo or Adeno and depression or anxiety, let me know.

Galena Retreat

At the beginning of August I was blessed enough to be able to take part in a weekend nature retreat. We did things like conscious cooking, meditation (outdoors), yoga (outdoors), forest bathing, and of course journaling. The whole thing was fantastic! Couple it with my first time away from home and out of the house (aside from work and seeing my sister) since Valentines Day weekend 2020 and it was HEAVENLY! Being able to take the weekend to disconnect from my phone, reconnect with nature, and do things that were good for my mind, body and soul was exactly what I needed. I was over worked, over stressed, and over stimulated. You know when you wake up tired and you just don’t want to do anything because you are just so overwhelmed, yeah… that’s where I was.

The drive from Woodstock to Galena was hot and I alternated between having the windows open and having the AC on. The closer to Galena I got the prettier the landscape became. The hills got bigger, the trees and the flowers grew in number, it was starting to remind me of northern Michigan, but also the northern part of Georgia. The rolling landscape and hills made me smile. When I got to Galena there were so many trees I instantly felt safe. Does anyone else feel more at ease surrounded by tree?

Anyways our rental was backed up against a hill that had lots of bushes and trees on it. When we entered she had already saged the space and had several tarot decks out along with an assortment of crystals and other stones. We were encouraged to pull some cards, one for intention… my first word was clarity. Which is exactly what I had wanted to get out of the weekend. My brain as always goes in about 10 directions at once. Do I want to focus on writing, do I want to focus on creative efforts, do I was a full time job, do I want a part time job, should I keep my current job, should I focus on learning new skills, should I open that boutique, or should I create a community that I want. The list could honestly continue, and I know I’m not alone in that. Over the weekend and in all honesty over the next 24 hours, clarity came.

For months, heck maybe even years now I have been wanting to create an online community for people that have depression. It’s actually why I started this blog. And then when I got diagnosed with Adenomyosis and Endometriosis in 2020 I wanted to find a way to tie them together. But how could I do that, and who would even want to be part of something like that. And then of course who was I to create this community and talk in it like I had any knowledge or weight to throw around… I mean I’m not a trained medical professional or therapist. Y’all the list of I’m not good enough or qualified enough got long. But there wrapped in the love of the universe and some amazing people I realized something. I am qualified! And I am especially qualified because I have struggled with depression for 20 years. I don’t have a degree, but I have done some counseling classes at the masters level, and I have had years of therapy. I am constantly learning about what helps me battle depression on a daily basis and I have learned some tools that have been game changers in my life, I HAVE to share them with others. I don’t have nearly as much experience with endo or adeno, as they are new realities for me. But I am plugging into the community and doing research. And sharing what I’m learning will help others.

So in the next few weeks the community will launch, and I don’t know what it will look like or what platform it will be on. My current thoughts are FB, Instagram or maybe even Discord. So if you are an endo warrior or adeno warrior that also battles depression, let me know what you’d like to see the community on, I’m open to suggestions. The online community will be the start, and eventually the idea is to do retreats, much like the one I went to.

The first main event of the weekend was sound healing. A wonderful woman came and lead our hour long session. Some people see colors or lights, I didn’t. I was however surprised at how quickly the hour passed. And I defiantly think it helped clarity come. When the session was over I was so relaxed, it was like a weight had been lifted, and my mind was less cluttered. If you can I recommend do a sound healing session.

The next morning we did meditation outside. I sat cross-legged with my knees and sides of my legs and feet on the ground. The wind swirled around me, warm and fragrant as it rustled the leaves. I sent love out to the universe and it sent it back, I cried. I felt connected to nature, and it was beautiful. I cried some more. After breakfast we went out did our forest bathing session. I learned of its Japanese roots, and was reminded of the Native Americans connection with the earth. We took a few minutes with our eyes closed to heighten our other senses and were sent off into the woods. As I slowly and purposefully walked through the woods, I noticed more bugs, saw the leaves falling, and watched the sun create different shades of green on the same leaf. I remembered how growing up I always ran through the woods, and how it always filled me with joy and energy. I smiled. Next we sat in one spot. I noticed the bugs fly around me, but they didn’t land on me. Was I more at peace with them? Is that why they ignored me? Lastly we communed with a tree. I picked a majestic looking tree that had three trunks, or rather branched three ways. It was hard to tell. I didn’t know why I was drawn to it at first, and then I heard myself thinking maiden, mother, crone. Ahh my friends are rubbing off on me. I never physically touched the tree, but rather stared at it. It gave me a sense of peace and knowing. At the end of the session I knew I needed to actively seek out time weekly to commune with nature. Years ago my therapist had asked me to come up with a exercise plan that was outdoors. Its like she knew, people needed to be active outside to improve their mental health… lol, funny right?!

That afternoon we had free time to do as we pleased, and though it was hot, I ventured outside again. I found a moss covered trial, and instantly thought of Miyazaki’s movies. I smiled. I’ve always loved moss covered objects, rocks, paths, homes. It means they have weathered time and have connected back with the land from which they came. Moss reminds me that nature always has a way of reclaiming whatever should be its.

That night was did conscious cooking. We talked about setting intentions before you cook, about thanking those who grew, processed or packaged the food you were about to make. And about infusing as much joy into the process as possible. I’ve always liked cooking, but sometimes it can be a chore. This was a good way to reconnect me to the joys of cooking, and added bonus I learned how to make spring rolls. Watch out peeps, I know have those in my arsenal! I haven’t perfected spring rolls like I have egg rolls, but I will.

The next morning was more meditation outside and some yoga. The breeze was soft and the temperature was cooler, which was wonderful, though by the end I defiantly regretted wearing pants and a t-shirt. I came to realize I was out of practice when it came to yoga, but moving my body still felt good. I do hope to slowly work yoga back into my life. I think during my morning meditation is when I realized how much better I felt and decided that I needed to find a way to make retreats like this for endo warriors. After surgery I did pelvic floor PT and I did a fair number of yoga poses to help open up my hips and stretch my back, which decreased my pain. So a retreat that was just as much focused on healing the body as the mind could be super beneficial.

The weekend closed on the day of the Lions Gate and I felt more relaxed and at peace than I had since long before the pandemic started. And a week later I’m still feeling rather zen. I mean it helps that I have yet to go back to work, but since the retreat things have been falling into place. Changes are coming and they are more in tune with who I am and what I want to do with my life and I couldn’t be more excited!

Special Thanks to Alisha for capturing the photos, I left my phone in my room all weekend and it was dead Sunday morning when I decided to look at it again.